All Things Anne

I love jokes. And funny away messages. But unfortunately, if you look for funny away messages, you come across a ton of junk. So here I have compiled the best away messages. Enjoy! (Newest are at the bottom)

Hello, welcome to my away message, how may I ignore you today?

Hey (Your Name) is unable to come to the computer right now so leave your name, your phone number, your best friend’s phone number, your credit card pin number, and a 4-7 page essay on why I should get back to you first. THANKS!!!!

Knock knock. Who’s there? No one. No one who? No, seriously no one is here so leave me a message.

(YOUR NAME)’s computer is broken right now. This is his/her fridge. Now, you can leave a message, but say it slowly, so I can write it on a post-it note and stick it to myself.

I’m lost. I’ve gone to look for myself, so if I get back before I return, please ask me to wait.

BOO! Did I scare you? Yeah, I did… You know it! Don’t lie! Oh wait a minute. Never mind. I’m not even here… HA!… Leave a message after the beep and I’ll get back to you! *BEEP*

My friends and I are having an away message contest right now. Please don’t interrupt.

You have just received the Amish Computer Virus. Since the Amish don’t have computers, it is based on the honor system. So please delete all the files from your computer. Thank you for you cooperation.

572 Instant Message Restricted You do not have access to this instant message as a result of the current Parental Control settings. To change or review the Parental Control settings, the master account holder must sign on, then visit the Parental Control Panel.

Iamtryingtofindthespacebar.IwillcomebackwhenIfindit.

I’m not here at the moment but if you would please leave your name, phone number, emergency numbers, social security number,your best friends phone number, emergency numbers, and social security number, where you think I am, where you are right now, your favorite food, your friends favorite food, your age, address, your favorite movie, your favorite drink, a 6-10 sentence paragraph on why I’m the coolest person you know, and 4 reasons why I should get back to you first!

Ring, ring……rrrriiiiiing, ring…….ring, ring….Hello! Please type your message after the beep. Thank you! BEEEEEP

I’m away cleaning my room; be back in a couple of weeks.

This away message with self-destructed in: 5 4 3 2 1 Just Kidding!

This is a sad and funny away message. The sad thing is you’re IMing me thinking that I’m going to respond and the funny thing is that I’m sitting in front of the computer staring at the screen rolling on the floor laughing watching you IM me.

I am studying procrastinating…leave a message.

I a m a l i t t l e s p a c e d o u t r i g h t n o w , b e b a c k w h e n I a m a l l t o g e t h e r.

Did you here the one about the person who IM’ed someone and all he got was an away message?

Message Under Construction

I am working hard… or am I hardly working?

I am always confused when people ask me did you sleep good? I always wonder if they want me to say no, I made a few mistakes.

STOP interrupting me while I’m ignoring you.

Jabbing my blister with a knife. bbl

Boring chores waste my time.

I am doing something better than talking to you!!!

GONE WITH THE WIND

Does this away message make me look fat??!!??!!

(Your screenname) is not here right now…but if they were… wouldn’t that be awesome?

Studying. Notice how they conveniently put “DYING” at the end of this word.

Life? Cool. Where can I download one?

This away message is almost as exciting as my life.

I’m at school. Asking how school was is just like asking how the drive by shooting was…you don’t care how it went, you’re just glad you got out alive.

I know an away message that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, I know an away message that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes…

Everyone always has those special, thoughtful, crackup, cleaver away messages that make you laugh or think so hard you are tempted to take it and use it for your own. This is mine. Be back later…

On eBay looking for a friend…they have good deals you know!

Real Men of Genius— Today I salute you Mr. Compulsive Away Message Checker. While most people are out actually having a normal life, you are at home reading about it on your computer screen. You have people on your list you haven’t talked to in years, but you still loyally read their away messages everyday to see what they are up to. So, crack open a drink of your choice, and don’t wander too far from your computer because you never know when someone’s away message may change.

Fact: You have just read this away message.
Fiction: I am going to reply to you.

I’m not really away…this message is just a really bad April fools joke.

I’m away right now if you would like to call me on my cell phone then buy me one.

If an away message is posted on the Internet, but no one reads it, did that person ever really go away?

My other away message is funny.

I’m currently staring at the back of my eyelids…

They tell me exercise is good for my body so that’s what I’m doing, getting up from the computer and walking to the TV.

I think this is a very good away message because it keeps the person who’s reading it busy.. you say how?… (read again)

Apparently, my teachers are having a contest to see who could give out the most homework!!

Stay tuned, for when I return, we shall ponder the intersurreptible vicissitudes (with a hyperextended analysis of the pertaining relevancy of its esotericity) of the pseudoantidisestablishmentarianistic ideals. Bon pruneau!

Not here right now because I am out enjoying life, you should try it sometime!

I’m out trying to get a life, how much they cost?

I just want to thank (all your teachers names here) for all this wonderful homework you have given me…it means a lot!!

A·way (a-wae) adj. Absent; Distant, as in space, time, or a real life.

Out playing hide and seek with Osama Bin Ladin. He’s good!

I’m not here right now but you can talk to my away message. It tells me everything.

My dog ate my away message.

If you were on a deserted island and could have any item you wanted, what would you want? For those of you who didn’t say a cruise ship or a plane…I don’t think I’ll be talking to you any time soon…for the rest of you, feel free to leave a message!

I am not available because I am playing a computer game that takes up my whole brain.

The pool is waiting…so what am I doing sitting in this computer chair!? Guess I’m not any more! :-P Go enjoy summer!

Summer is the best time of the year, go enjoy it! That’s what I’m up to.

On Vacation: I hope someone reads this and feeds my fish…

I’m getting sun burnt at the moment. So if my hands still work when I return I might answer your message.

I am doing my homework so DON’T BOTHER ME!!! Oh…wait…IT’S SUMMER! NO HOMEWORK!!! (But I’m still not here.)

Do not disturb, I am enough disturbed as it is . . .

Absence make the heart grow fonder…so start getting fonder!

Gone (gon), adj. 1. departed; left. 2. lost or hopeless. 3. ruined. 5. that has passed away; dead. 6. past 7. weak and… You get the idea.

Hey! Guess where I’m not…

I am away from my computer right now, but to all my fans who get online with the sole purpose of talking to me, I deeply apologize and regret this grueling situation for the both of us.

I’m away from my desk right now. I’m not too far from it though. So if you yell really loud into your monitor I might be able to hear you!…If not, I’ll be right back.

Hi this is the computer. My user away, but I’m open for suggestions.

I am currently occupied, give me a couple minutes to get frustrated and then I’ll get back to you.

Talent does what it can. Genius does what it must. I do what I get paid for.

01001001 01100001 01101101 01101110 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 (this is binary code for the ASCII encoding “I am not here”)

Nope, I’m not here now….BUT if you promise to stare at your screen for an hour and don’t go anywhere, I’ll might come back!

Note: the following away message is viewed by a live studio audience.

I went dat way —–>

Stay tuned, for when I return, we shall ponder the intersurreptible vicissitudes (with a hyperextended analysis of the pertaining relevancy of its esotericity) of the pseudoantidisestablishmentarianistic ideals. Bon pruneau!

I am away from my computer right now. Far away. Not even close. In fact, someone could be stealing my computer right now and I wouldn’t know. So if someone starts talking to you and it doesn’t sound like me, don’t worry, it’s probably a burglar. Just keep him busy until I get back, that way he can’t get away. You know, just bombard him with IM’s and annoy him so he gets distracted from his work like you always do to me. Thanks, I owe ya one!

I’m locked in my wubber woom again.

I can no longer see the floor…I guess it is time to do laundry…this may take a while!

I’m a computer geek…and the computer’s idle. So basically I’m sleeping or I died.

I’m on the phone, struggling with the fact that it doesn’t have a keyboard…be back soon.

Let’s talk about rights and lefts…you’re right, I left.

If you got this message, I pulled myself off the computer in order to take a brief break. I really doubt that I’ll be gone long, and if I am, I am most definitely going through withdrawal, so please, stay, talk, I will return within seconds.

My two biggest problems are addiction to the internet and procrastination. I’m away from the Internet now…I’ll work on procrastination later.

The boss is behind me, so don’t IM me unless you have a compliment about me.

Gone as in…not here, as in…wishing I was!

Food-related

I’m single-handily trying to free the world of hunger, starting with myself.

Hunger has driven man to insanity, today it has driven me from my computer.

I’m away eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner. If you’re smart you’ll figure out which one it is.

I would talk to you, but my mommy told me it’s impolite to talk with food in my mouth.

One day I’ll take over the world, but first I’m going to make a sandwich.

Whenever you eliminate the inedible, whatever remains, however unpalatable, must be food.

Online messages

Notice how you and me are always online at the same time? You must be addicted.

Just because I’ve been online for a whole day doesn’t mean I’m ADDICTED…my chair is just COMFY…

I’m not addicted…I’m just afraid of that voice that says “goodbye”

I’m not addicted I’m just trying to be the person online the longest.

I can quit Internet anytime I want to. I just don’t want to.